It was a good day today. All peaceful and happy. Happy like normal happy, not the one that drives me crazy monkey-like happy. I would want to burst out in tears but I don’t think I am a baby anymore. I grew up a lot more than anybody could guess. Two years back, I was nothing more than a tomboyish but super sensitive touch me not plant. I was very desperate to get into a university and study well to live up to family’s expectations. I made mistakes, fell down a couple of times, tortured myself and a lot more which I don’t feel like sharing. There were times I would question my whole existence on this planet and hardly find reasons to live. It wasn’t as such that I did not have reasons to live, there were many. My screwed up head refused to see them. Things got even worse than that. I don’t think a lot of people noticed that because no matter what demon sat inside my head, I never showed it out to people. Especially, people who would enjoy my melancholy as a theatre drama. I stood tall and strong most of the times not even showing a small sign that I am broken very bad inside and I need help. I never did. Coz all who wanted to help me came without waiting for me to call them up. I bless them 3000 times if that is how we measure love now.
I completed my masters and came back home only to find out that I did not clear my entrance exam for research. It kinda hit me hard. Just an hour hardly. I was happy after that. I slowly started being even happier when I counted on things that are left to love. Wow…my bed, this room, mamma and pappa. These small things feel great. I had been rotting for two years in that cubicle. I mean my hostel room. Eating any food possible. Most of the times I ate nothing for a whole day and it continued to be a bad habit. I feel lucky I found friends off campus who cared to take me around places for food. I am home now and whatever mom cooks tastes like an elixir.
I was this ambitious little girl always. I didn’t know what I am searching for. I didn’t know what I want to be. But yes, I definitely wanted to be something more, something beyond what people think of. Every time I would come home, these thoughts gave me stress. What next? Where am I going next? What else can I do to improve? Why this..what that? No wonder, all my questions were slowly answered and I kept working. However, this time it is not the same. I am a little worried about my future but after going through a lot of shit already, life seems easy. I know I am still ambitious. I am still thinking about what next. But, I am enjoying the moment more than anything. I finally found time to laze around and watch all those series I missed. No waking up at odd times, no assignments, no late night panic attacks due to stress, no annoying people around me, nothing. Just some youtube channels I subscribed to. Some series I missed and yea I watched Avengers Endgame too with a friend I missed badly all these days. By the time the movie ended, I already wrote this blog in my head. It was very hard to believe that I don’t have a deadline. I don’t have to run anywhere after the movie. I don’t have to work according to somebody else’s priorities. It is over now. Its an endgame for now.
I have a life and I can feel it way better now than before. I remember how a lot of people I talked to at campus had a very negative toxic view on life. Most of them assumed life is tough and stressed out easily. I don’t take them for wrong but I can sense that they haven’t seen a good life for a long time now and people don’t believe in what they have never experienced. I have seen a good life before the university days and I am seeing them again now at home. I am glad that the people around me in my city or friends I know always made it easier for me. But still, its all in your head. Believe life is easy, it has to at some point feel very normal. All you need to do is dig open and identify your comfort zones and get there yourself more often.
Also, random sex with people is not an answer for stressing out from frustrations in life. I hated people in my university not because they came from a different background or different culture. I hated them because of their cowardly acts. If you want to have sex, have it like a hero, have it like a royal queen. Not like a loser who finds sex to be a solution for depression or stress. That sucks. I don’t judge people much but I could not keep my mouth shut this time. You all suck who think getting attention from everyone is more important than a bond with one good friend. Spreading rumors about a person and isolating her to death without knowing her version sucks. Thinking that you love toxic people sucks even more. They got a passion for toxic people these days. How sick are you? You can never help that girl who is in depression because her boyfriend left. Stop putting a lot of efforts and feel exhausted at the end. She will move on when she realizes. You can only be a support system, not the one who would let her suck your blood out.
Being messed up is beautiful but rethink on that. I was a messed up person too. Ok, wait…yea I am still counting on that. You look messed up because you are fighting for something good and nobody ain’t there to help you coz they don’t get your point or you are messed up because you can’t deal your own shit? Which one? We don’t have to be hard on ourselves thinking how can we be better. None of us have to work hard on ourselves. You don’t have to lift big rocks to build a wall around your castle but you surely have to respond at least when there is a fire burning your home. Yes, don’t let somebody eat away your peaceful mind. I know all of us are kind enough to people and we let them come into our lives but do not be innocent and watch them take away your home, your peace.
Well, Ask me who am I to instruct these all? I am a god. Not thor like a god. Just god. Don’t get it? Okay, so you gotta listen to this. Why do people write? I don’t know, I started writing to express the pain in the beginning but it turned into writing beautiful, happy and joyous thing too. It did not stop there. I started writing balancing both and write every day when I feel like expressing. Now, we all know that God has written down destiny for all of us. A story for all of us. He went further to make them into movies which we are all acting in. Now this guy, god, how much pain and trauma he is going through? Coz it looks like we have so many stories here down on earth. He doesn’t stop screening them. They are never done. He keeps writing …writing..writing…writing…exactly…so the one who writes is technically a god.
Lol! Nice theory but I was kidding….take care of your mental health and do not surrender to your fears. Punch it right in its face and show it that you are an AVENGER.