Mr. Green

I remember a dialogue from the movie hulk where Doctor Banner says he doesnt want to manipulate and adapt to that green thing inside him, instead he wants to get it out of his body,which of course never happened . He became “THE HULK” after that. Although he looks massive and can win any battle, how much could be the poor thing suffering inside? Anyways I am happy he finally learned to live with it by the Endgame. Mental illnesses is of same sort. No matter how much you try to get it out of your head, nope, no fucks given. It stays. It also can play trick or treat. When you treat your depression, giving it what it craves, it definitely leaves you for a while and lets you relax. But it is always back with its tricks, helping you dig your own grave. Such a nasty one! I thought I was doing better three months ago, or maybe I actually did but I am damn scared to tell anyone again that I am doing good. Come on! I know it. Something keeps coming back. From feeling “wow I am doing great to I am crying in pain” it changes very rapidly that the world would not believe in me even if I ever finally come out of it. In fact, I would not be sure of myself. How wil anyone get their body out of such evil thing which has now occupied most of their body?

Maybe nobody does. Maybe it is all about learning to live with it. It could be malicious but it is a super power. I did not take it positively in the beginning. I tried every minute of the past two years to get it out of my head and it refused or tricked me all the time. I think it started hurting me less only when I started accepting it. I could not control my panic attacks earlier but now I know how to avoid them. To some extent , I can very well control my stress. But the gloominess in my head remains, the fear that I will hurt someone is very high. My sleep cycle is worse too. I woke up soon today morning as I slept for 8 hours last night. That did not help anyway coz I had a bad headache after getting up and I felt extremely exhaused as my dreams look way more true than the reality and I murmer and whisper in dreams completely submerging myself in them sometimes.

I miss talking to my friends sometimes and the other times I feel happy that I am not talking to them coz that leads to not hurting them too. The only thirst I have is to write, write and write more. Are you thinking “I am insane”. Oh that I am. But guess what? I think I will call it my superpower.

P.S living in this world with no strings attached is so very peaceful. I am training myself not to get attached to anything or anyone so that there is less scope for a mess. I am present when somebody needs me but when I need something, I just quit the job coz I hate getting help and later being attached to anyone. Not even a dog! Lone wolf is not bad. It is just that I need to be one without any regrets.

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Aura

img_0539After losing faith in the world, I decided I want to make peace at least with myself. I cut off on everything that made me feel uncomfortable or sad. If looking at instagram posts annoyed me, I stopped. If chatting with friends irritated me, I limited it. Anything that could trigger depression is out of my list. Although I feel I shouldn’t be doing this with my friends, I don’t think I have an option. I observed my pattern of getting depressed. Once I talk to my beloved friends, it makes me happy. It makes me so happy that I forget I even have mental issues. It goes very well for a while but then when suddenly something else hits me, I go out of control and would struggle very hard to have a normal conversation with my friends. Now this could effect them too. I thought it is best for me not to disturb their lives coz I am scared I will hurt them. In fact, I think I already did it many times now. Also, its been two days I am doing it and it is extremely peaceful to de-socialise for a while. I would continue this forever if it goes well. Everybody lives in peace….yayyy. Anyways, I kept reading and researching a lot of things in these two days as I got some time for myself.

I was reading about Aura. I read in the internet that every living organism has aura around it. I was wondering if inanimate objects or the non-living ones too have aura around them. After browsing for a while I had to come to a conclusion that inanimate objects do not have aura but they have a charge field. Any object can be charged for that case. The more you like an object , the stronger the charge gets. This solves an answer for a question I posed to myself long back as a kid. As a kid, I loved to collect things that had a past. Lets say, a book used by my cousins. I loved them to the core and when they would give me anything that once used to be their possession, I kinda felt very special. Look at that band in the picture. My cousin had it on his wrist for a while and one day he forgot it at my home. Although, I love collecting bands and hence have many of them, this particular one is my favourite. Its been with me for more than 5-6 years now. I take it every where I go and don’t really let anybody touch it. Somehow it turned to be a lucky charm and I started wearing it on important occasions. The positive charge might be really high on this object.

Yesterday, I saw somebody selling away an old 90s telescope online which looks shabby and worn out. It looks like some sailor or somebody who studied the night sky must have used it. I googled the same model and the price that Amazon offers is less than this old one. But I badly wanted to buy the old one that has a vintage and adventurous look that the user embarked on it. I think we all feel something special about used objects by somebody favourite or somebody we love or somebody we believe in gives us goosebumps. Ask me why? Well, I guess that it is the magic of the charge field. If an inanimate object has charge field, it also could mean that this particular object you love to use might have the capacity to record the moments that you are using it. When you pass on that object to your successor, it just feel very very special. We watch it in movies, don’t we?

I remember Jon Snow(a character in Game of Thrones) received a sword from his Lord Commander. It is special for Jon because his commander gave it but I don’t know if he realises that the sword carries the stories of people all who used it. All those great victories won by great warriors. Would the sword carry their stories with it? So all these objects that have a great or evil past, are they special in some way? Or is it just that we feel special about it and we create our own special feeling for no reason?

Sunshine

Its been quite a long time, I saw the morning sun coz I go to bed at the time when he wakes up. Sleep is my worst fear. The minute it starts getting dark, I freak out. It is not exactly sleep anxiety but a little more than that coz even if I manage to doze off for an hour or two, I wake up in pain for no good reason. I sleep walk sometimes. When I get up in the morning, I can recall how I woke up last night for water but unknowingly walked to the hall and sat there feeling heavily exhausted. I don’t really know how I go back to my bed coz that needs consious efforts but I do it in the sleep very easily. I could not sleep last night either but I woke up soon and felt the urge to go for a ride. It was peaceful in the morning all alone, helped me relax.

I admit that I kinda lost faith in the world or maybe it seems much hard to cope with anything and everything. From the person I love, to the last person I want to be with. I don’t feel like talking out. I don’t really know what phase this is coz I have been seeing different phases in me that changed very quickly from past two years. Don’t ask me how the world fell apart just in two years. I don’t really have an answer for it or maybe I have but nobody wants to believe in it and I am tired explaining and feeling helpless about it. I found few apps in the play store that help people deal mental illness but it is deeply disturbing to know the fact that they are made for the Americans or other foreign countries. I understand Indians do much better at everything and don’t really get depressed for every small thing. We only grow stronger each day. But lets face the reality. How can the school or college curriculums completely avoid mental health? What about people like me in crisis? Every time I talk to people about it, I get ridiculous suggestions from them. Some say I need to keep myself busy or get a distractor. Some say I am exaggerating stuff. Some say I am taking everything very seriously and I need to get some sleep. Some say I am not strong enough. Now this hurts terribly. What do you mean by strong enough? If you find me crying in pain coz my leg is bleeding, what would you say? Would you wash the wounds and go forward with a first aid or would you say “YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH”. You would heal my wound first, wouldn’t you? Then why is mental illnesses treated differently? I feel ashamed of myself to talk about it coz the world I grew up with, miserably failed me. I have decided not to talk about it anymore coz these people I grew up with….they only want to see the best side of me. I wish there was a doctor listening to all this I speak, like a therapist that I see in the movies, American movies especially. I wonder if India has a place for all this scrap. Even though I heard of a few therapists, I don’t think they are going to be as patient as Mister Khan in the movie “Love You Zindagi.” I could totally relate to that movie and I still cry when I think of it but I was hell scared to say it out coz people already stamped it a bad one and said that the protagonist was making a fuss about nothing. I don’t understand how people conclude that certain things are awful just because it did not happen to them. Anyways, the only solution I found is to write and hide. This feels great. I don’t need a doctor and I don’t need someone to listen. This is a blog, something more than just a mere diary. People will see it but this time I am not gonna go around share the links anymore. Whoever are meant for seeing it, will see it. This is peace.

Faded and Forgotten

I don’t remember

If it is a faint memory in my life

Or just a sweet dream that lasted a night

I don’t want to see it again

Flashing and hitting my head all the time

It is scratched and worn out

Waiting for me to re-paint every detail

But I won’t until you want me to

Coz you will abandon them all again

I know they are all memories worth gold

But we are letting them drown in the sea

Mercilessly and Helplessly

There are some favorites too

Like the one that we looked, eye in eye

For a winter that lasted a decade

But these too shall fade or be forgotten

Coz I don’t want to re-paint them

Again and again only to die in memory

All is fair in love and war- William Shakespeare

All is fair in love and war

but you can’t wage a war

at the one you love

but you can’t love the one

that you want to be with war at

You are to give up one among it

Either your rage filled with anger

or your heart full of love

Both would cost you a high price

its not easy to calm down

the flames that burn deep in you

its not easy to break yourself

giving up on your dearest love

it is for you to choose the worthy

I always hated to choose

right from childhood I always did

but as I grew up to be a woman

I understand how easy it is

to choose which pain could hurt less

coz most of the other times in life

you don’t even have a choice

so end the war

or end your love

coz not everything is fair always

in love and war!

Demons in my sleep

I cried in pain
But never was this scared
Of the creatures that rule me at night
They suck my sleep out
Make my eyes red
Turn my mood dead
Kill me at once
Or twice if you want to
But I don’t want to scream in agony, night
After night , every fortnight

They remind me of those days
That I never want to think about
They remind me of those moments
That I want to forget forever
I yell at these horrible creatures
But nothing works
They continue to leech on my happiness
Not during the daytime
But nights, endless nights

You are a stone heart
You don’t make a move
Coz you know my blood that spills
On your heart will dry
I knew you as my protector
But witches turned you green
And now you talk cold
Like the demons of hell

Wake up alive now
Right now please
Save me from these creatures
Those that haunt me at midnight
I see your sword firm
Doesn’t move an inch in rebel
I start to doubt now
Are you the monster who sent
These hateful creatures
To ruin my mind with terror
Or are you in deep slumber
Fighting them in sleep?

Title at the end!

avIt was a good day today. All peaceful and happy. Happy like normal happy, not the one that drives me crazy monkey-like happy. I would want to burst out in tears but I don’t think I am a baby anymore. I grew up a lot more than anybody could guess. Two years back, I was nothing more than a tomboyish but super sensitive touch me not plant. I was very desperate to get into a university and study well to live up to family’s expectations. I made mistakes, fell down a couple of times, tortured myself and a lot more which I don’t feel like sharing. There were times I would question my whole existence on this planet and hardly find reasons to live. It wasn’t as such that I did not have reasons to live, there were many. My screwed up head refused to see them. Things got even worse than that. I don’t think a lot of people noticed that because no matter what demon sat inside my head, I never showed it out to people. Especially, people who would enjoy my melancholy as a theatre drama. I stood tall and strong most of the times not even showing a small sign that I am broken very bad inside and I need help. I never did. Coz all who wanted to help me came without waiting for me to call them up. I bless them 3000 times if that is how we measure love now.

I completed my masters and came back home only to find out that I did not clear my entrance exam for research. It kinda hit me hard. Just an hour hardly. I was happy after that. I slowly started being even happier when I counted on things that are left to love. Wow…my bed, this room, mamma and pappa. These small things feel great. I had been rotting for two years in that cubicle. I mean my hostel room. Eating any food possible. Most of the times I ate nothing for a whole day and it continued to be a bad habit. I feel lucky I found friends off campus who cared to take me around places for food. I am home now and whatever mom cooks tastes like an elixir.

I was this ambitious little girl always. I didn’t know what I am searching for. I didn’t know what I want to be. But yes, I definitely wanted to be something more, something beyond what people think of. Every time I would come home, these thoughts gave me stress. What next? Where am I going next? What else can I do to improve? Why this..what that? No wonder, all my questions were slowly answered and I kept working. However, this time it is not the same. I am a little worried about my future but after going through a lot of shit already, life seems easy. I know I am still ambitious. I am still thinking about what next. But, I am enjoying the moment more than anything. I finally found time to laze around and watch all those series I missed. No waking up at odd times, no assignments, no late night panic attacks due to stress, no annoying people around me, nothing. Just some youtube channels I subscribed to. Some series I missed and yea I watched Avengers Endgame too with a friend I missed badly all these days. By the time the movie ended, I already wrote this blog in my head. It was very hard to believe that I don’t have a deadline. I don’t have to run anywhere after the movie. I don’t have to work according to somebody else’s priorities. It is over now. Its an endgame for now.

I have a life and I can feel it way better now than before. I remember how a lot of people I talked to at campus had a very negative toxic view on life. Most of them assumed life is tough and stressed out easily. I don’t take them for wrong but I can sense that they haven’t seen a good life for a long time now and people don’t believe in what they have never experienced. I have seen a good life before the university days and I am seeing them again now at home. I am glad that the people around me in my city or friends I know always made it easier for me. But still, its all in your head. Believe life is easy, it has to at some point feel very normal. All you need to do is dig open and identify your comfort zones and get there yourself more often.

Also, random sex with people is not an answer for stressing out from frustrations in life. I hated people in my university not because they came from a different background or different culture. I hated them because of their cowardly acts. If you want to have sex, have it like a hero, have it like a royal queen. Not like a loser who finds sex to be a solution for depression or stress. That sucks. I don’t judge people much but I could not keep my mouth shut this time. You all suck who think getting attention from everyone is more important than a bond with one good friend. Spreading rumors about a person and isolating her to death without knowing her version sucks. Thinking that you love toxic people sucks even more. They got a passion for toxic people these days. How sick are you? You can never help that girl who is in depression because her boyfriend left. Stop putting a lot of efforts and feel exhausted at the end. She will move on when she realizes. You can only be a support system, not the one who would let her suck your blood out.

Being messed up is beautiful but rethink on that. I was a messed up person too. Ok, wait…yea I am still counting on that. You look messed up because you are fighting for something good and nobody ain’t there to help you coz they don’t get your point or you are messed up because you can’t deal your own shit? Which one? We don’t have to be hard on ourselves thinking how can we be better. None of us have to work hard on ourselves. You don’t have to lift big rocks to build a wall around your castle but you surely have to respond at least when there is a fire burning your home. Yes, don’t let somebody eat away your peaceful mind. I know all of us are kind enough to people and we let them come into our lives but do not be innocent and watch them take away your home, your peace.
Well, Ask me who am I to instruct these all? I am a god. Not thor like a god. Just god. Don’t get it? Okay, so you gotta listen to this. Why do people write? I don’t know, I started writing to express the pain in the beginning but it turned into writing beautiful, happy and joyous thing too. It did not stop there. I started writing balancing both and write every day when I feel like expressing. Now, we all know that God has written down destiny for all of us. A story for all of us. He went further to make them into movies which we are all acting in. Now this guy, god, how much pain and trauma he is going through? Coz it looks like we have so many stories here down on earth. He doesn’t stop screening them. They are never done. He keeps writing …writing..writing…writing…exactly…so the one who writes is technically a god.
Lol! Nice theory but I was kidding….take care of your mental health and do not surrender to your fears. Punch it right in its face and show it that you are an AVENGER.